4317

During the week, mum's "related numbers" has been opened in 4d. There was another number tonight in starter "4317", aunties and uncles who striked are happy... I am happy for them too and really have to thank mum for blessing everyone of us.
9 days without mum... still feel that she is around. She "came home" very early on the 7th day but she did not touch anything in the house. Don't know whether was it not enough time or she does not want to scare us. Anyway, I know she is happy now.
Get to know a lot of things from my auntie about mum. Some things are really hard to explain but it did happen. I thank Buddha for willing to take mum. I know she will be happy with where she is going after the 49 days.

Mum's montage

Mum's montage done by Auntie Ee lin... thanks for adding one of mum's favourite song to this montage, I love this montage and really appreciate what Auntie Ee lin has done.

Mum, you are always in our heart and we will miss you!

The 7th day

Most chinese believe that on the 7th day, the person who passed away will come back to the house to look around, look at the place, look at the family members. We did prayers this morning and I bought a lot of food for mum, hopefully she will come home tonight to enjoy those food that she used to like.
I have cooked a few dishes as well and uncle and aunties will be coming over to have dinner. Night time, we will get ready for mum's return. I wonder what will happen tonight.......

The past few days

Has been busy with the funeral for the past few days. Fortunately mum has a group of very supportive siblings who helped me followed up with everything and dad's siblings were also very supportive, they helped me look after dad..... together with my cousins of both sides, they had been supportive and helpful...........

Big house for mum to stay and flowers from dad last Fri, the day when mum was back home...

Flowers from us to mum on the last day...... and the temple where mum will be at.

Since the 5th, everyday seems like a dream to me. Never been having good rest, never been at home for quite some time and now back home, it seems very quiet, very weird without someone who has always been there. Everything and every corner reminds me of mum. I guess it takes time. I intended to cook today so I sort of ransacked the fridge. There are lots of food bought earlier by mum and I found a squid. I am the only one at home who fancy squid. I know that is for me.

I have learnt and seen many throughout the incident, the good and of human behaviours. I cannot understand how some people behave in certain way but fortunately there are many who are willing to give and help in whatever they can without anything in return. Mum's siblings are really great! I will always remember what they have done for us.

I know mum is happy. One of my cousin saw mum's image on the last day of the funeral. The 21 year old boy told me that he saw mum smiling at him. He told me it's his responsibility to tell me because mum wanted him to tell us that she is happy. Well, definately she will be happy because many were at home waited for her to be back and many of us sent her off on the last day. The greatest thing is that Buddha will be taking her after the 49 days. Not only she is happy, we are happy as well.

Have to sincerely thank my uncles and aunties (mum and dad's siblings), cousins (of both sides), friends and colleagues (thanks for the contribution), nurses and doctors of KK ward 43 and women's ICU, parents and sister in law and lastly Silly hubby. Thanks for all the help, contribution and support. Mum will bless everyone of you.

The journey back home

Fri, 20th June, the day where I brought mum from a Women's ICU back home. I can see from the monitor that she was not doing too well, I prayed that she can reach home before her time comes.
On the way back, I can see that she started to gasp. I told her that "We are reaching, bear with it mum, you must make it home, everyone is waiting for you." I know that she can hear me. She tried very hard...
Finally after 10mins, we were back home and more than 20 relatives were waiting for mum in the house. Dr Shaw who followed us back from the hospital allowed us to view and talked to her for the last time before she extubates mum.
I talked to her for the last time and I can see her tears. I dont know how to describe the feeling. It's hard but, it's a relief for her. She was such a strong lady, she made it back home. She passed away peacefully at home, on her bed at 1145hrs.
There are a lot to prepare after that. Uncles and aunties are very supportive and helpful with the arrangement of the funeral. They have done so much for us and like what mum said "I am so fortunate to have this group of siblings, if there is next life, I still wish that they are my siblings!"... Well, I am also very fortunate to have this group of uncles and aunties. I really do not know how to thank them...
My feelings now? I miss mum... but I know she is in good hands....

Preparation

Have been trying to arrange something that mum will like. More or less everything has been arrange and Fri, mum will be back home. I am sure she is glad to be at home.
Just received a few phone calls mentioned that they feel very different seeing mum today. They feel mum looks so much more comfortable compared to the past week. I agreed. Mum loves the dress that she worn on my wedding day so all of us told her that we will wear for her on the day she comes home but she has to "loose some water" from her body. Right after that her urine output ranges from 100-120 per hour without diuretics. This morning, she became less bloated.
It's something amazing, I just dont know how to explain but what we know is that she can hear us and she wanted to wear her favourite dress.
Mum always got this strong will and determination. I really admire her.

Mum is coming home

A decision has been made last Sunday to bring mother home. Dr told me that things are not getting better (in fact she had a pneumothorax yesterday). After some discussion with my father, uncles and aunties, we decided to bring her back home on Fri. Thur is my cousin's wedding, I do not want to clash with her big day. Mum always like to care for others so I know she will agree with my decision. Though it's really hard for her to bear with the few days, I am sure she is willing to.
Well, somehow (we have our way to know) we know that mum is relief and Buddha will take mum and she will be in good hands. When we hold mum's hands, we can feel that she is not suffering now. She is more relax and relief..........
This Fri she will be back home, finally.......

Mum...

Mum was awake the day before yesterday and she opened her eyes to see all of us. Though she has got no response, we believed that she can hear everyone of us. Towards the evening, because she has got no sedation, she became breathless. Even so, she still struggled to open her eyes to call. My heart really ache and pain to see her like that. I can feel how much pain she is going through and yet she is still hanging on. Fighting hard.
I really regretted never take good care of her in the past. I... I dont know what to say. My heart feel so ache every moment I see her. She started gasping towards the late evening hence Dr put her back on sedation with paralysis agent. Yesterday morning her breathing was so much better and she looks more comfortable.
One of my auntie which is my mum's elder sister came to visit her yesterday. She asked me whether I sang for my mother because my mother loves to sing and she likes music. I said I didnt, maybe I can bring one MP3 for her but dont know whether they allow. Immediately after I finished my sentence, she walked close to mum, brushed her hair and started singing. She sang those oldies songs of "Zhou Xuan" where my mother and her used to sing together when they were young. It was a very touching scene and my tears flowed... I was very impressed with auntie's action. She sang continuously for about 20 songs and she was not even feeling a bit shy. She just want to do something for mum, wants to wake her up. My other aunties and uncles came in and all were in tears.
I am grateful for the past week over the concern and actions of my mum's siblings. They have been very supportive. Someone would stay overnight with me to make sure that I am not alone in the hospital. They will drop by and buy me lunch everyday eventhough they are working.
They will meet me and drive me out for dinner to make sure that I have something more appetitising than those hospital food. One of my uncle even brought ingredients to brew me tonic soup on his working days. I am very touched by their actions. They consistently keep mum and myself company everyday. Like mum said, it's very lucky to have this group of siblings, if there is next life, she wanted to be in the same family with them again.... and of course I did not forget the support from my friends and colleagues. Thanks for visiting mum...
Dr updated us, her condition is neither here nor there. I do not know what to do. I do not want to give up. I hope she will be able to wean off the ventilator and I will just take her home to take care of her eventhough she is not able to move or what so ever. I have never been so lost in my life.......
How come she has to suffer like this? Why?

Mum's condition

Yesterday was terrible. Her platelet count despite transfused never come up instead it was dropping. Parameters seems perfectly all right and everyone thought that her condition improves. However I knew she is not improving because her abdomen was tensed, her platelet count was dropping and her urine output was not good. I told the rest of the family about her condition, and they were upset. Everyone went in to talk to mum to encourage her to fight on.
Cecilia stayed overnight with me in the hospital. We chatted for a while and I fell asleep at 2am and woke up at 730am! I had a good rest.
I went in to see mum this morning. Surprisingly, they told me they off the sedation and she was restless. I am glad that she was restless, at least she is "still there". I called her and she opened her eyes but not looking at my direction. She rested and then I called her again, she opened her eyes and do the same thing, this time moving her limbs. I am quite sure that she can hear something but just that the sedation effect was still there. Her abdomen became softer and her platelet count went up without transfusion. Her creatine is 71 which is normal.
I was glad. She really got the fighting spirit. She really do not want to give up and is fighting hard because of our encouragement. Well, later part she was rather restless after they off the sedation hence the respiration was not good. They have to sedate her again to let her rest and let her depend on the ventilator again.
At least something positive today......... Buddha, please help us to bring mum back to good health.

Things at home that reminds me of mum...

Her unfinish 100plus and Ensure...

Her things in the kitchen, she likes to put it neatly however I always mess it up.

Our cups and toothbrushes...

She likes to buy these cute little "moth" to hang in the toilet... and finally her bed with her clothings...

Mum, when are you coming home???

Buddha, please help mum!

Wednesday evening I went KK after work. I bought dinner and had dinner with mum. As usual I told her what happened during the day at work, I told her about grandma readmission and I accompanied her to the toilet, saw her had her tea and bread then I charged her hp before I left the ward at 830pm. She was well then, told me to go home and rest.
The next morning, I went for training. Around 10plus I received a phone call said that they were transfering mum to women's ICU. I was lost. I didnt know what happened and I wished I can be there stat! After I informed boss, I rushed to KK.
I went to the ICU and was told that mum was in the scan room. One of the Dr mistaken me as one of the daughter of a decease patient. She said "I am so sorry, I didnt expect it to be so fast. Have you go to the morturary?" I was in the state of shock. I dont know how to describe that feeling, I cant cry and I just dont know how to react. I just looked at her blankly then I mumbled "Uh??? Not in the scan room??????"
After that she went into the ICU and realised that I am not related to that patient. I was glad that my mum was still in the scan room but feel sad for the other patient. I waited at the visitor lounge and saw mum finally after half and hour. She was on NRFM, breathless.
I was able to talk to her. I really admire her. Even though she was so breathless she smiled and asked me who informed me, then she told me that she got fever in the morning and felt breathless. Her doctor detected creps in the lungs so sent her for scan, she mentioned the Dr is very nice. That's all she told me. She didnt even complaint that she was feeling bad, she was feeling breathless. I was so upset that while she was suffering I was not by her side.
I knew sooner they will need to intubate her coz I can see she was breathing very hard. True enough after 10mins they decided to intubate her. I told her everything would be fine, I will be there with her and dont have to worry because it will make her feel better. She just said "Ok"... One thing about mum, I can feel she really want to live on. She got strong will hence she dont mind trying anything. She wants to live.........
After intubation, she is not getting better. She has got severe pneumonia and her BP dropped yesterday evening while I was talking to her. I told the nurses and they increased the dopamine. Her BP still remained low then my uncles and aunties started talking to her. She seems to be able to hear because the BP went up after everyone's encouragement. My uncles and aunties (mum's siblings) are really great. They are very supportive and concern throughout. They forced me to go back home to rest while they stay back for the night. I have no choice but to go home but I was not able to sleep well. I woke up every now and then having palpitations because I thought I heard my hp ring. I felt terrible.
Early this morning at 6plus, dad and I went to visit mum. I was told that she had thrombocytopenia. Her PLT was 5 only and after transfusion it went up to 38. It is still low. WBC very low..... her BP plunged again and they started her on nor adrenaline. She also went into DIVC this evening................. I dont understand why all these will happen. It just happened so suddenly that I really cannot accept. I feel very upset that she developed sepsis due to this admission and it leads to all those above. How can this happened? I thought she was well???
I got so much to tell her, I want her to live on, I want to bring her for tour, I want her to see her grand child........ Buddha, PLEASE HELP MUM. PLEASE.

Mum

Yesterday evening went to see mum in KK, then she told me that Dr said might not op her because they dont know how bad is the adhersion of the small intestines. Mum looked upset and I was upset too however I do not want her to feel worst so I pretended to be very positive. Actually our mentality are after the TPN, once she is fit she will go for the op and hopefully she dont always feel bloated, stomache, nausea and vomiting every 2-3 days. However what Dr suggested to her yesterday was if the adhersion is bad there will be more complications after op so she should go home and "try to eat" if she can. Which personally I feel it's very impossible. The past months she has been suffering from nausea, vomitting, stomache for every alternate days and how can they expect her to "try to eat" after discharge. It's kind of like a "no hope" solution for us.
I am still hopeful though, I told her Dr said "may not op" but they may decide to op much later because they have to discuss with the specialist. I went home to pray, I prayed to Buddha and hope that they will do something for mum. Mum even said "I dont mind them to cut me open then if they found something bad then they abort the procedure and stitch it back". I agree with her. WE never know how bad is the adhersion so why dont we give it a try.
The whole night I have been thinking about it and my tears just rolled non stop. I thought of those days when I was young with mum. I remembered very clearly that mum has very high expectations on me. She wanted me to keep long hair, wear nice dresses, learn to play organ, learn to sing and dance, she wanted me to look good at all times which I really hate. I hate to doll up and I hate to wear dress. I have no say so I have to do what she wants me to do and sometimes it really irritates me. There were many things that I felt I was being "force" to do and I really dislike it till sometimes I just dont feel like talking to her and found her very unreasonable. Apparently, it was one thing that changes my opinion towards mum and that was a dream. I remember this dream very clearly until today. I dreamt that there was one very huge human giant who appeared somewhere near our neighbourhood country and this huge giant will soon be coming to our town. He catches every single child to torture and kill everyone of them. One of the scene was mum and I suddenly saw everyone running towards us and shouted "HE IS HERE!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!" then the next moment, we saw the huge giant! Mum carried me and run.... she fell and she carried me up again and she continued to run and she told me that "if unfortunately mum lost you or mum being kill by the giant, you must run for your life ok, dont turn back!"...
From that day onwards, I do whatever mum wants me to do because I know that she will only protect me from harm. Time really flies but I am glad that I have spent a lot of time with my parents. I have a great childhood, I have fond memories with them.
This morning my eyes swells a little. Nathan said "EH now both your eyes got triple eyelids leh!" I told her "Yeah, coz whole night I been thinking about my mum so I cant sleep". She asked me what happened and I teared. I told her about what happened and she cried with me hahahaha..... Nathan, thanks for sharing my sadness.
Late morning, I called mum, she told me Dr had a discussion yesterday evening and this morning decided to do op for her on the 19th. I thank Buddha! Thanks for giving us hope again!

My legs are tired!

It's not because of work, it's because of JAM!!!!!! The traffic was bad the whole day! This afternoon I took 40mins to reach KK because of traffic accident. The accident happened near Balestier and I guess there were a lot of "kapos" at the opposite side of the road towards AMK hence there was another accident at the other side of the road!
The same thing happened again just now. Even we paid for the ERP, we still have to suffer from the terrible jam! I saw a burnt lorry near Changi PIE and the opposite road suffered from massive jam as well because of another accident (again I think due to kapos).... Surprisingly immediately I drove pass the burnt lorry, the traffic was VERY smooth all the way back home! I took 45mins to reach home!!!!!!!
DAMN! My legs are tired from stepping on the clutch!

Dinner and Supper!

First day of work was good. I spent my time in my ICU talking to my colleagues - Nathan, Alice, Koh and Belinda. I hope everyday would be this nice at work......
After work I had dinner cum supper with Silly hubby at Geylang.

Fried long beans and marmite chicken...

2 pots of 5 pieces of frog legs in total and a pot of porridge...

Whole table of food cost $46. 5 frog legs only $22 (buy 3 get 2 free) which is very worth. Last night I bought 1 miserable frog leg already cost me $10! The food is good, we enjoyed and Silly hubby had his usual 2 bowls of rice to go with the dishes! (and now he is lying on the bed "motionless" coz too full!)