Those were the days...

I dont know why I can remember a lot of things of my childhood. Maybe I really enjoy the times being together with mum though she always has her expectations that sometimes irritates me. I remember we spend most of the times together because dad has to go work. She would arrange for cousins to come to our house to stay over, bring me out to meet her friends, bring me to grandparents house to spend my time with cousins and aunties/ uncles. Probably she does not want me to feel lonely.
Today I went to the market alone. Had my breakfast alone. I then realised how mum spent her last few months of her life. When we were not at home, she has to take care of herself, settle her breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner alone if no one is available. When anyone is available to have dinner with her, she will get the ingredients to cook. With her weak health, she has to carry all the things on her own, climb the 3 storey stairs up and down, it's really hard on her. Now I am expecting, I get tired and breathless easily and I am sure she felt 100 times worst than me during that time. However, she insisted to do what she can for us.I asked myself, why didnt I spend more time with her?
I remember mum bought me a diary in one of the stationary shop in Redhill after we visited grandparents in year 1989. She told me to write it everyday so that next time I can recall a lot of things as I read. Back then I felt I have nothing to write and today as I read back, I realised everyday I wrote down what dishes I had for dinner. One said "Today mother cook soup, chicken and ladies finger. I like to eat ladies finger and mother always cook it because she knows I like." Most of the days was about what mother cooked for dinner, days when she brought me to Thomson for organ classes and days when she brought cousins and me to "fun world" in Parkway Parade. As I grew older, the word "mother" appeared lesser in the diary. I guess teenage was the hardest time to teach and control. The last page of diary was when I was seventeen. I quarrelled with my parents because I came home late after vacation work. I remembered how bad I was scolded by dad and mum added on. It was written "I just want to earn some money before my poly starts. Why are they so unreasonable??? I dont want to talk to them anymore!"
I told Nathan, now I want to talk to mum also no more chance.
Yesterday my neighbour's kids who is about 3 years old asked me "Where is auntie???" I said "Auntie not here..." he then asked again "Where auntie go???"........ I dont know how to answer him. Even a kid know how to ask about my mother but I havent even hear one of the very close relative ask about my mum. I dont understand how come one can be so close and then can just dont even bother after knowing that mum is sick. Ever since mum was diagnosed with cancer, they have been drifting away from us, not even a phone call. I never know cancer is contagious. I mean, it's up to individual, I am not petty over whatever just cannot understand the behaviour of people. Mum used to help them in the past and this is what she gets. Anyway, they are just the minority, in times of need, they just have to depend on themselves. I wouldnt bother as well.
I dont know why there are days where I feel really upset of losing mum. Sometimes just cant help thinking about the days where we spent together. Especially how she took care of me when I was young. Certain things she did not tell me or does not want to let me know but I actually knew a lot about it, I know she been through a lot and I always think I did not do enough. That day Silly hubby accidentally broke the bottle of oyster sauce that mum bought, I felt terribly sad and I cried staring at the bottle. I didnt blame him because I was the one who didnt keep it after used. I felt very heartache, the feeling was like losing something that you can never get it back anymore. It is ALWAYS the case, when you lose someone, then you realised how important this person is to you.